Alone But Not Lonely

To move to the city, makes me realize many things. Who knows that I'll met these people who amazingly barrier my carrier to move on and speed up my job.

Mulut dan Otak Kotor (Part I)

Saya pikir, seumur hidup saya akan hanya menulis saja. Karena saya merasa kebisaan standar saya hanya menulis berita, feature, atau artikel ringan. 


Ternyata, di lingkungan yang baru dimulai sebulan ini, saya dihadapkan pada hal baru, dan banyak tantangan baru. Mengingat  "City of Slow" adalah trademark di sini, maka karakteristik pekerja di sini pun amatlah pelan. Pekerjaan yang telah dibagi pertanggung jawabannya, akhirnya saya harus terlibat juga di jobdesk yang lain, sampai akhir. Bukan hal yang aneh memang, tetapi jika di akhir proses selesai kemudian ada suara-suara yang mengatakan nyinyir dengan tuduhan melakukan praktik ONE MAN SHOW, apalah yang mesti saya kata. Saya merasa jadi 'korban' ketidakadilan.


Saya pikir, ketidakadilan adalah hal yang mutlak terjadi di mana saja. Jadi biarlah saja pencipta angin dan awan sebagai satu-satunya sumber keadilan yang mutlak. Pikiran-pikiran dan omongan yang kotor biar saja selalu datang dari comberan atau tong sampah, dengan muncul sebagai tuduhan-tuduhan sesumbang gaung tong sampah yang ditalu. 


Harus diakui, dunia ini memang sudah dicemari dengan otak-otak yang lebih lihai untuk menuduh, menyalahkan, dan menghindari kesalahan dengan membolak-balikkan kata. Saya? Diam saja. Tapi akan saya buktikan bahwa otak kotor akan memperlihatkan dengan jelas siapa diri pemilik yang sebenarnya.


Tidak perlulah saya berujar tetang apa saja yang telah saya lakukan dan sudah Anda sekalian lakukan di dalam proses. Saya tak perlu mengeluh dengan pekerjaan Anda yang tak selesai atau yang telah Anda pilih untuk tak menyelesaikannya. Nilai raport bolehlah terlihat baik, tapi di dalam nurani (seharusnya) Anda sedih karena telah melakukan kecurangan. 


Hasil baik dan buruk akan tertanam dalam benak kita masing-masing. Pertanggung jawaban terhadap orang lain pun akan kita ingat dengan baik dari kesalahan atau kelalaian yang kita perbuat. 


Hal yang fatal adalah ketika sudah melakukan kelalaian, menghindar dari tanggung jawab, tapi masih saja menyalahkan orang lain. Maaf saja, tapi saya JIJIK melihat kelakuan seperti itu. 


Perlu Anda sekalian ketahui, MULUT dan OTAK KOTOR pada akhirnya akan memperlihatkan diri Anda sebenarnya, dan jangan mengharapkan nilai raport yang baik lagi, karena semua itu sia-sia saja. 






City of Slow,
March 14, 1:45pm

am I lonely?

Lately I feel that I was wrong to create this blog's name or title. Coz lately I didn't feel what I feel in the older/oldest posts. What's wrong then? 

       Nothing is wrong. Life's run exactly like the wheel. There's not only happines in life, but sadness and upset will and should come to make us be braver and stronger. I won't complain this time, God... I'm thankful of everytime that You gave to me, to us, to be together, to meet, to take care to each other. It would never come another chance for me, for us, darling, to be stronger and more patient of every condition. 
       Maybe in the past I'm a complainer, impatient, and.... I don't know, I feel so imperfect, so weak. But well, though I feel sad and lonely lately, I realize that after the rain, there will be a rainbow. 


Am I lonely? No. My feeling enrich my world. I know God will always be with me, with us all. And there will be a time, good and perfect time for happiness to come. I believe it.

PS : I love you.

Hope, Meanness and Decision

I'm not sure. I feel doubt. I feel weak. And sometimes lonely. When there's a time that I didn't have and feel you there. Like you had run, or disappeared for a while. A distance, spread the tears into my day, my night. I feel sad, but I must not. Have to be brave and strong, even i feel that it would never happen since you always make me powerless, with or without you. 


Maybe it's a disease. Like I always transmitted it to you, diseases, problems...Til you got tired and sick. Well you are a human too. Though I have thaught that you're an angel in the beginning. But this far we have been walking, I realize and make me more to realize, that you are only human. You could be mad, upset, and ignore everything that you don't like. Including....me.

Oh honestly this 'thing' would never been and posted here. Actually I just want to share happiness so I would let the world to know, that I'm a happy girl and pleased. But the journey not only including the smile and laugh, though...That is not a life. But maybe true it's a false that I'm hoping a perfect happiness without any sad and meanness. That is not a life...      

--------------------------------------------------------------------------
I finally run with my finger
Breathing without any expectation
That's you who left me, beneath hope and meanness
And now I fall into the bar of your enchantment


This is not the way you hold me, you drive away
This is not the way you stole my heart, you push me to your cleft


I fell so immortal
Ill walk I live with my decision
To forget you
[hope, meanness and decision]

Manusia dan Malaikat

Aku tak tahu, apa nama untuk kondisi saat ini. Sewaktu aku merasa semua berjalan menuju kepada kondisi semula, ternyata ada batu kerikil yang tersembunyi di balik semua. Kupikir, hatiku dan hatimu kini terdapat jembatan pemisah. Cerita yang dulu, kesakitan yang kau pendam, mencuat meledak dan tak tersembuhkan.


"Waw, supeeeeer, apa yang kamu katakan... Aku tak menduga." katamu.


Oh, tidakkah kamu tahu, kau terlalu sempurna untuk mengharapkan manfaat dari manusia semacam sampah. Kau terlalu tahu semua kebaikan yang seharusnya diberikan. Kau terlalu tak punya cela. Apa yang sudah kuberikan selain masalah, selain penyakit yang kini menjangkiti dirimu? Kita terlalu jauh berjalan, sayang. Tapi aku sepertinya hanya menjadi sebongkah kayu lapuk yang bahkan tak bisa digunakan untuk menopang pintu rumah bahkan gubuk reyot. Atau mungkin hanya menjadi setitik virus penyakit yang lamat-lamat akan membunuhmu hingga mati, dan hilang kepribadian.


Aku si bunglon yang berubah warna seperti daun hijau, kemudian menjadi warna daun dan ranting yang kering. Dan kau, si kuda yang berdiri tegak menopang sang tuan yang menunggangimu, kau antar ke mana pun ia pergi, tanpa mengamuk. Kau menuruti segala yang ia inginkan, ia butuhkan sebagai tuanmu.


Malaikat...oh malaikat... Mengapa kau turun ke bumi dan menyentuhku si manusia sampah. Penyebar penyakit. Penuh kuman, sumber penyakit.


Malaikat.. oh malaikat... Mengapa tidak kau rupakan saja dirimu sebagai manusia sepertiku.


Oh betapa aku baru tahu bahwa malaikat pun bisa jatuh sakit. Lalu bagaimana bisa manusia menyembuhkan malaikat..?

There's Nothing But I Feel it All

Lately I feel like there's something wrong with me, with my mind, and maybe my heart. Oh, maybe this is just the way those hormones works.

I don't feel that I have a problem. But sometimes, there is a time that I feel so weak, but somehow I have to through it all discreetly.

There is a time that I want to hold the whole world by my hands. Unfortunately I only could hold two hands, one mind, and one heart.  Too much complicated, I guess.

The one thing that I expected right now, is to turning back my world just like before. I want to smile, I want to laugh. I don't want to talk too much about professionalism, idealism, or the jobs done. It's enough that I spend all my energy and my mind to do it. I lose my time, mostly to do the job. But when I go home, I only want to be relax, to enjoy the time together, even it feels too short for me.

I spend all the time for the job. Monday to Saturday. Even somehow I asked to myself, "Is it that effective to work on Saturday?" Oh please, Saturday is time to relax and feel happy when the Friday comes.

Yeah, somehow I feel like that. But in the other side, I've just through and do it all, finish all the things I've started.

One thing that happend uncommonly, when Saturday comes, somehow my mind thought of joy. "Oh I think I'm gonna love it when Saturday Night comes..." it's the time for me to see you.

I'm happy. So happy. Everyday I alwalys tried to go home as soon as I could. Somehow I don't need to stay longer if I had finished all the things I need to do. You know, I have a right to go home at 5pm, and enjoy my free time after work. I'm not a machine, though.

But that is not the point. Lately I just feel that there's something different with the way we talk, the way making jokes. Especially you. I feel it more silence. A bit sad of it. Maybe I expected too much. Maybe I've worried too much. Oh, and maybe that's the hormones works. Ah..

It looks so sad that I always blame hormones of many things, especially during my period. But, as for me, all the thing I need recently, is just some jokes to keep laugh and feel free of the limited time that I have with you..

You. You. There's no any reason of me to feel sad or happy. It's only you....