Hope, Meanness and Decision

I'm not sure. I feel doubt. I feel weak. And sometimes lonely. When there's a time that I didn't have and feel you there. Like you had run, or disappeared for a while. A distance, spread the tears into my day, my night. I feel sad, but I must not. Have to be brave and strong, even i feel that it would never happen since you always make me powerless, with or without you. 


Maybe it's a disease. Like I always transmitted it to you, diseases, problems...Til you got tired and sick. Well you are a human too. Though I have thaught that you're an angel in the beginning. But this far we have been walking, I realize and make me more to realize, that you are only human. You could be mad, upset, and ignore everything that you don't like. Including....me.

Oh honestly this 'thing' would never been and posted here. Actually I just want to share happiness so I would let the world to know, that I'm a happy girl and pleased. But the journey not only including the smile and laugh, though...That is not a life. But maybe true it's a false that I'm hoping a perfect happiness without any sad and meanness. That is not a life...      

--------------------------------------------------------------------------
I finally run with my finger
Breathing without any expectation
That's you who left me, beneath hope and meanness
And now I fall into the bar of your enchantment


This is not the way you hold me, you drive away
This is not the way you stole my heart, you push me to your cleft


I fell so immortal
Ill walk I live with my decision
To forget you
[hope, meanness and decision]

Manusia dan Malaikat

Aku tak tahu, apa nama untuk kondisi saat ini. Sewaktu aku merasa semua berjalan menuju kepada kondisi semula, ternyata ada batu kerikil yang tersembunyi di balik semua. Kupikir, hatiku dan hatimu kini terdapat jembatan pemisah. Cerita yang dulu, kesakitan yang kau pendam, mencuat meledak dan tak tersembuhkan.


"Waw, supeeeeer, apa yang kamu katakan... Aku tak menduga." katamu.


Oh, tidakkah kamu tahu, kau terlalu sempurna untuk mengharapkan manfaat dari manusia semacam sampah. Kau terlalu tahu semua kebaikan yang seharusnya diberikan. Kau terlalu tak punya cela. Apa yang sudah kuberikan selain masalah, selain penyakit yang kini menjangkiti dirimu? Kita terlalu jauh berjalan, sayang. Tapi aku sepertinya hanya menjadi sebongkah kayu lapuk yang bahkan tak bisa digunakan untuk menopang pintu rumah bahkan gubuk reyot. Atau mungkin hanya menjadi setitik virus penyakit yang lamat-lamat akan membunuhmu hingga mati, dan hilang kepribadian.


Aku si bunglon yang berubah warna seperti daun hijau, kemudian menjadi warna daun dan ranting yang kering. Dan kau, si kuda yang berdiri tegak menopang sang tuan yang menunggangimu, kau antar ke mana pun ia pergi, tanpa mengamuk. Kau menuruti segala yang ia inginkan, ia butuhkan sebagai tuanmu.


Malaikat...oh malaikat... Mengapa kau turun ke bumi dan menyentuhku si manusia sampah. Penyebar penyakit. Penuh kuman, sumber penyakit.


Malaikat.. oh malaikat... Mengapa tidak kau rupakan saja dirimu sebagai manusia sepertiku.


Oh betapa aku baru tahu bahwa malaikat pun bisa jatuh sakit. Lalu bagaimana bisa manusia menyembuhkan malaikat..?

There's Nothing But I Feel it All

Lately I feel like there's something wrong with me, with my mind, and maybe my heart. Oh, maybe this is just the way those hormones works.

I don't feel that I have a problem. But sometimes, there is a time that I feel so weak, but somehow I have to through it all discreetly.

There is a time that I want to hold the whole world by my hands. Unfortunately I only could hold two hands, one mind, and one heart.  Too much complicated, I guess.

The one thing that I expected right now, is to turning back my world just like before. I want to smile, I want to laugh. I don't want to talk too much about professionalism, idealism, or the jobs done. It's enough that I spend all my energy and my mind to do it. I lose my time, mostly to do the job. But when I go home, I only want to be relax, to enjoy the time together, even it feels too short for me.

I spend all the time for the job. Monday to Saturday. Even somehow I asked to myself, "Is it that effective to work on Saturday?" Oh please, Saturday is time to relax and feel happy when the Friday comes.

Yeah, somehow I feel like that. But in the other side, I've just through and do it all, finish all the things I've started.

One thing that happend uncommonly, when Saturday comes, somehow my mind thought of joy. "Oh I think I'm gonna love it when Saturday Night comes..." it's the time for me to see you.

I'm happy. So happy. Everyday I alwalys tried to go home as soon as I could. Somehow I don't need to stay longer if I had finished all the things I need to do. You know, I have a right to go home at 5pm, and enjoy my free time after work. I'm not a machine, though.

But that is not the point. Lately I just feel that there's something different with the way we talk, the way making jokes. Especially you. I feel it more silence. A bit sad of it. Maybe I expected too much. Maybe I've worried too much. Oh, and maybe that's the hormones works. Ah..

It looks so sad that I always blame hormones of many things, especially during my period. But, as for me, all the thing I need recently, is just some jokes to keep laugh and feel free of the limited time that I have with you..

You. You. There's no any reason of me to feel sad or happy. It's only you....